40 Weeks - Jackfruit

What the what?

 

 

How far along: 40 weeks. Ding! Fries are done.

Total weight gain: 30

Sleep: I'm anxious and impatient and not sleeping well. Plus it's been so fucking hot here that it's impossible to sleep, and I just convinced the husband that we needed the A/C two nights ago. Last night was horrible, I just couldn't get comfortable.

Exercise: Still going, better this week than last week, actually. Had my membranes stripped at the OB this afternoon and then hopped on the treadmill when I got home.

Movement: Slower but more painful.

Food cravings: Trying to enjoy ice cream while I have a good excuse.

Happy or moody most of the time: My exact words this morning - "(bad night, bad night, blah blah blah...) now I'm cranky and I have to present at a data workshop today. Flying Spaghetti Monster help whoever so much as looks at me funny today."

Looking forward to: My sister will be here on Saturday! I hope the baby shows up before she does. Either way, her official eviction date has been set for next Tuesday. I'm only 2cm. Let's get this show on the road!

A Story

Twas the eve of my due date, and all through my ute
The baby was stirring, and it was no longer cute
What started out as sweet flutters and jabs
Had turned into barrel rolls and my ribs getting stabbed.

The husband is nestled all snug in our bed
While I toss and turn, no comfy place for my head.
The cat's in the hallway, yowling to come in,
The kid in the morning will ask "where's my sister?!" again.

When all of a sudden, as things looked so bleak,
I sprang from the bed when I felt a small leak.
To the bathroom I flew, this could be it!
But no, I just peed on myself. Again. This is shit.

The moonlight shone down on my belly so large,
While baby danced in delight - "ha! you thought YOU were in charge!"
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a glistening new stretch mark tracing over my rear.

Now come on! You're kidding me! I've come so far!
With one day left to go and my bag packed in the car?!
I couldn't be spared from this one pregnancy ail?
The lotioning and oiling was one giant fail.

Spicy food, pineapple, running don't work,
Neither does sex - that Old Wife is a jerk.
I've tried all the tricks, without any success,
I should just face the facts - baby knows best.

And so here I sit, impatient and bitchy,
The heartburn and joint pain are making me twitchy.
The baby still growing, a pound a day, there's no doubt,
For maximum impact when she makes her way out.

Discomfort is making me desperately plea
To the creature still holed up and comfy in me:
Come on, baby girl! This is total baloney!
If you come out soon, I'll buy you a pony.

Happy Dinner to Me!

Comic Relief

I'm still here. This makes me feel better. That and Biscoff Cookie Spread. And the fact that I'm not going back to my office next week.

Watch "Mother Fucker Phone" on YouTube

Hump Day Bump Day!

You know what sucks? When you wake up in the middle of the night thinking that maybe your water broke, but no, you just peed yourself. Hooray!

I've finally reached the stage of pregnancy where everyone thinks it's ok to comment on how HUGE I am. HUGE. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE belly you've got there! And the "You must be so uncomfortable!" No shit. Could you tell by my amazing cankles? Or was it the fact that my face is bright red because I'm always overheated? Is it because I'm breathing heavily with the effort of walking up five flights of stairs after the building was evacuated? No, wait - it must be the fact that I'm wearing what amounts to a muumuu with flip flops in the office. I'm just a step away from Wal-Mart. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that I'm glaring at you with rage just for standing in my area. You want to make me feel better? Go away.

Do you like my "I don't give a flying fuck" face? I'm wearing that specifically for today, because I have a four hour strategy meeting on the calendar. It's my own personal hell.

39 Weeks - Watermelon

Watermelon is one of the best fruits in existence. If you're looking for a nice summer drink, try this (http://www.compassrosemary.com/2012/09/01/watermelon-vodka-cooler/ if the link doesn't show for you). We discovered it last summer, and I can't wait to have one in a few weeks.

 

How far along: 39 weeks.

Total weight gain: 30

Sleep: Somewhat better, though turning over is pretty much impossible. Plus there's the whole getting up to pee at 2:00 every morning, like clockwork. And the damn bird who wakes up shortly after. What happened to birds waking up with the sun?

Exercise: I'm slowing down, but still staying active. Haven't run much since the Pig, but that's because I can't drag my ass out of bed anymore. I did have to cut a workout short one morning last week, I just couldn't finish it. Oh well.

Movement: Starting to slow down, which freaks me out.

Food cravings: I discovered Biscoff Spread, and my life will never be the same.

Happy or moody most of the time: I am one cranky bitch.

Looking forward to: The end, though I'm glad that I won't be missing Charlie's pre-K graduation on Thursday. Other than that, I'm over it.

Snocaps, Snack bag of Doritos, and Tucks pads

What is... Reasons CVS needs a you-scan station?

Yeah, that's pretty much the same look the male cashier had on his face, too.